my Name Is -

By Vanessa Gordon

My name is joy.

I am the newborn infant held close to your chest.

I am the sound of laughter in the distance.

I am the giggling and wriggling of a childlike jest.

I am the butterflies in your stomach when you lean in for the first kiss.

I am the euphoric high you fly when he pops the question will you be his?

I am at the centre of family reunions.

I am the son that flies home to his mother.

I am the daughter who surprises her father.

I am the warmth you feel in your lovers embrace.

I am the tiny chubby fingers of a toddler that caresses your face.

My name is fear.

I am the paranoia that nobody likes you.

I am the dreams that you never pursue.

I am the voice in your head that reminds you to stay safe and mundane.

Keep in your lane. Don’t get comfortable.

You’ll never be suitable.

I am the heart that has hardened and has grown bitter with time.

I am the constant reminder that rings like a chime that love has conditions, and life is a mountain too hard to climb.

My name is grief.

I am the love that you lost.

I am the parent that went to heaven.

I turn days into months and years into decades.

I am relentless in making you ache.

I am the internal wailing, the silent screaming.

I am the tears that nobody sees.

I make you sob til you sleep. I make you ache and yearn for one last dance.

I wake you up in the middle of the night and cause you to sit in a silent trance.

I never go away.

I just linger and make a home in a corner of your heart.

I sometimes remind you of a birthday or a song or an old joke that made you laugh.

My name is angst.

I am anxiety and dread.

I am the tightening of your chest.

I am the compulsive behaviour you cannot explain.

I make you tired and scared yet somehow, I make it hard to seek rest.

I am the shakes and tremors, the racing of your heart.

I ensure all things are just too hard.

I am the overwhelming pain that bruises your spirit.

I like to make life too hard for you to deal with.

I am uncertainty, I am the nervous jitters, I am the choking sensation, and I am restlessness.

I give you no warning when I’m ready to surface.

I do not discriminate you don’t get to choose this.

I creep up and paralyse you while others try to analyse you.

I’m frightening and make you sweat uncontrollably meanwhile you can’t shake this or let go of me.

My name is hope.

I am the little ray of light.

I am the glimpse of a future that is bright.

I am the strength that is deep within you.

I am the mother that doesn’t give up on you.

I am the father that believes in you.

I am the child that needs you.

I am true love that is yet to meet you.

I am the dreams that are yet to be dreamt by you.

I am the goals that you are about to achieve.

I am the abundance that you are about to receive.

I am the friend that calls in the middle of the night.

My name is hope and it’s ok if you don’t know why you feel this way.

My name is hope you can hold on to me I will never let go you see.

My name is hope I will not stray. I promise I will stay.

My name is hope and it’s ok if you don’t know why you feel this way.